I've been away. For a while. Changing mylife and altering my perspective. Still keeping the majority of the variables the same, but altering the key factors. Like any real sequel. I am no longer at York uni as you proabably have read or remember. And I am now travelling the work with work and seeing things I never thought i would experience. But don't get me wrong. I am still the same person so anything and everything will probably go wrong; its just a matter of time.

I'm back now. I've almost finished my training and on my way to full time employment. Actually kinda thrilled about this, I love to work, makes me feel kinda useful o something. I feel as if I have a purpose if I'm getting paid, somebody values me for something. Which I like. It appears that I have totally lost the ability to type in coherent sentences since I've been away, how bizarre. I'll have to get used to this again as i believe it is nothing at all like riding a bike, It doesn't come back to you straight away. Or is it just me? All these weeks of Three bottles of cheap banrock station chardonnay down the local before an 8am exam the next day on how to evacuate a burning plane. Its kinda messed me around a bit. I'll hopefully get the feel for this again once something glamourous or heinous happens to me once again. I'm sure if you are like me and love to read filthy gossip about people you don't know I'm sure you've missed me, but in truth I've missed me, my life has been kinda regular apart from countless blowjobs and sleeping with only three people, dull dull dull. No Meds. No Vodka. Just wine, Gin and easy cabin crew. That is all for now, be back later this afternoon x

Hello. You might have thought I'd died. But I hadn't. I was enjoying my new job far too much to even think about anything else.

Thats kinda changed and I think I've let myself fuck me over again.

We'll just have to wait and see whether or not I'll be throwing myself in front of a train anytime soon

xxxxxxxxxx

ps

I LOVE V

I'm in a very bad place right now. And all I want to do is cry or chase a box of co-proxymol with gin. I like somebody, and they are totally off limits, and this makes the bottle of gin larger. Help me x

Fuck. Shit and a little bit of cunt I think. That is my mental state lately. I feel so alone, and I'm caught in my best friends, more awkward than being caught with a farm animal, love triangle. Meanwhile, I'm listening to the Dears, Rachel Stevens and Rufus Wainright. that is all x

If only one day I realised what the hell I was doing, I would be vaguely centred. However my life is never that easy. I'm not saying, however, in any respect that my life is hard, traumatic or eventful, just fragmented. There never seems to be a chronology toward anything, or a tessellation of intent or desire, there is never a working out scenario and there most certainly aren't any happy endings. So I begin to wonder whether this is my fault, just because i don't know what I want, I cannot commit myself to bring any kind of situation full circle for fear of the consequences. Adam has been confusing me, he is in a similar position (go see at retro_digimon.livejournal.com), I think he is sweet and we get on real well via text and Msn, but nothin can happen between us as he is involved with James. The fact that he is in that postion puts me off pursuing him, that is not the only reason however, I just don't know what the other reason is yet. He's a decent guy, somebody else's decent guy, who I'm not even trying to seduce or anything (so don't think I'm some kind of man poacher, because I'm really not), I seem not to get the thing with 'decent' guys. I think I only like people that have quite clear fault lines running throughout their personality, people I can analyse and therefore be in control of, being able to preceed their every move. Decent people, I have decided, I just cant fathom. I should be ecstatic right now, about to begin my virgin atlantic training, finally seeing the world and meeting great people. I cant bring myself to belive that its actually happening, I still haven't fallen over in disbelief yet.

* * *

Anyone else in my position right now would be on the verge of having a small urinary accident due to their excitement and relief at getting such a great job. I didn't feel relieved, or excited when I got it. I felt as if it was due me or something. I get this feeling about exams, interviews, tests, competitions, that there really is no real reason for me not to suceed. I have never failed at anything. I've never got lower than a C on any exam, I passed my drivers test first time. every job interview I've been to I got the job etc etc etc. People hate me for it, i know they do, but thats just me, I'm an incredibly lucky fucker. And sometimes i wish I wasn't.

* * *

Here is a small picture of rachel Stevens:



Its actually rather above average size. I'm sorry if you found its stature startling in any way.

If only one day I realised what the hell I was doing, I would be vaguely centred. However my life is never that easy. I'm not saying, however, in any respect that my life is hard, traumatic or eventful, just fragmented. There never seems to be a chronology toward anything, or a tessellation of intent or desire, there is never a working out scenario and there most certainly aren't any happy endings. So I begin to wonder whether this is my fault, just because i don't know what I want, I cannot commit myself to bring any kind of situation full circle for fear of the consequences. Adam has been confusing me, he is in a similar position (go see at retro_digimon.livejournal.com), I think he is sweet and we get on real well via text and Msn, but nothin can happen between us as he is involved with James. The fact that he is in that postion puts me off pursuing him, that is not the only reason however, I just don't know what the other reason is yet. He's a decent guy, somebody else's decent guy, who I'm not even trying to seduce or anything (so don't think I'm some kind of man poacher, because I'm really not), I seem not to get the thing with 'decent' guys. I think I only like people that have quite clear fault lines running throughout their personality, people I can analyse and therefore be in control of, being able to preceed their every move. Decent people, I have decided, I just cant fathom. I should be ecstatic right now, about to begin my virgin atlantic training, finally seeing the world and meeting great people. I cant bring myself to belive that its actually happening, I still haven't fallen over in disbelief yet.

* * *

Anyone else in my position right now would be on the verge of having a small urinary accident due to their excitement and relief at getting such a great job. I didn't feel relieved, or excited when I got it. I felt as if it was due me or something. I get this feeling about exams, interviews, tests, competitions, that there really is no real reason for me not to suceed. I have never failed at anything. I've never got lower than a C on any exam, I passed my drivers test first time. every job interview I've been to I got the job etc etc etc. People hate me for it, i know they do, but thats just me, I'm an incredibly lucky fucker. And sometimes i wish I wasn't.

* * *

Here is a small picture of rachel Stevens:



Its actually rather above average size. I'm sorry if you found its stature startling in any way.

I got the job at Virgin. I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet, but it will soon and I will get over-excited and fall down. When this moment arrives I will let you know. I need to party big style. So I'm thinking or scoring some coke and drinking til I forget my name.